so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
