My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
