babies were throwing up all over the place
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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