hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
