What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
