I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
