a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
