By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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