We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize