i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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