oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize