You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
