I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
