When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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