ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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