did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize