Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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