I think im going to throw up on grandma
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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