i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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