just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Girls should come with a carfax report
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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