He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
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