Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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