If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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