so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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