The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
