Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
