im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
