I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Sober January is a disaster.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
