I was born with a shot glass in my hand
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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