mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
