My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I have fence marks all over my body
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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