I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
