i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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