We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
