i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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