I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
