Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
