when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
