I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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