I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
