I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
