My Higher Power is John Stamos
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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