Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
