girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
