On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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