the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
