Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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