You're so nebulous sometimes
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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