Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize