...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
