none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
