I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
