I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
