no, he came in my armpit
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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