Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
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