So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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