The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i dont even know how to be here
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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