I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
