im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
